Where I Lie
by DeadlySunrise
Summary: I remember it so clearly in my mind. The scenes constantly replay themselves in my head... It’s an addiction that I keep feeding off of, as if I don’t think about it I’ll cease to be. I’d just…stop breathing. SasuSaku
1. Pretty Girl

"_Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything.  
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about.  
And that's what you get for falling again;  
you can never get him out of your head.  
And that's what you get for falling again;  
you can never get him out of your head._

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**Juu-ku Heisei Juishichinichi Jūnigatsu Juu-ku, Kayōbi** (Tuesday, December 20 2007)

It has been almost a month-and-a-half since I saw him, and I haven't had the courage to write, fearing this would fall into the wrong hands. But I must confide in something the events of that day.

I remember it so clearly in my mind. It was a day that I can't forget. Trust me, I've tried. Never leaving my mind, the scenes constantly replay themselves. As if I cannot focus on anything else. In the middle of conversations, I'll be thrown back to that night and recall every word, every detail. It's an addiction that I keep feeding off of, as if I don't think about it I'll cease to be.

I'd just stop breathing.

My mouth struggles to keep the words unspoken, for it forever to be a secret. A forbidden secret that I wish to shove to the back of my mind, lost and forgotten.

Sometimes I feel as if the secret is written across my abnormally large forehead. I feel nervous among friends, as if they stare into my very being, trying to figure out what I hide.

Ever since the event, I've felt on edge, on guard. All to ensure that no one finds out my dirty sin. Sometimes, like right now, I feel unclean and vile. And no amount of soap and scrubbing can wash off the filth I feel crawling on my skin.

But other times, a majority of the time, I tingle whenever I think about it, relishing in the past. I know it's wrong, and my conscious is constantly telling me to stop this madness, this insanity. These memories are best forgotten, nothing would become of them. Who knows when I'll see him again?

If I ever do.

Knowing him, he brushed it off immediately after, uncaring and heartless. I was a fool to oblige to his every move, to succumb to my desires. I know all of this.

But I loved every moment of it. So many life-changing events happened to me that day. Never had I felt such a mix of emotions in my short existence. Regret, sorrow, love, joy, happiness.

I felt so alive, so…complete. It was painful, yes, and I had never been more frightened in my life. But it didn't matter, because it was Sasuke-kun.

I know my efforts to erase that night from my mind are futile. Because I don't truly wish to forget them, no matter how painful they are.

He may hate me, despise me, find me a hindrance, a thorn in his side. I don't seem to care anymore.

I love him that much. It may be unrequited, wrong, pointless, but I doubt I'll ever stop. As much as it hurts me, my heart aches for him. I'll travel to the ends of the earth, if I had to, just to bring him back.

Childish as it seems, I long for things to be how they use to be. He may have never acknowledged me, but at least he was there.

Not out there, Kami knows where, his soul full of hatred, a never dying hatred that was formed by his brother. I am quite of his ambition, what he strives for.

I heard somewhere that if you truly love someone, their happiness comes first and foremost. This is certainly my case, his well-being will always come before mine. If he needs this, I should let him.

But I just can't let him go. I'll forever chase him if need be. Maybe because I don't feel that revenge is where his happiness lies.

Sasuke-kun belongs here, with Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, and me. Where he truly can be happy, free of the burdens set upon him.

He's falling right into his brother's trap, doesn't he see?

He's a pon in a sick game where there are no winners. Killing his brother will just cause more sorrow, I've told him this.

What will he do after he kills Itachi? What's next for him? What purpose will he have to live? I am constantly asking myself this, and I've only found one answer.

He will think he has nothing. That he's accomplished all that he's supposed to. That there's no reason to go on living. Whenever I think this, I'm even more driven to find him.

To punch him senseless.

To scream of his stupidity.

To kill him myself and spare him the pain.

To cry as I've always done before.

How can he not know? We're here for him, Naruto and I. We want what's best for him.

_Us._

Friends are worth living for. Worth dying for. There is so much more to life than hate, death, and revenge.

Hope, faith, friendship, love. All of these marvelous things that make life so precious. Sasuke-kun does not seem to be aware of this. The hole he's dug himself is far too deep. But we can rescue him, I believe in that. It may seem hopeless, but it's worth the effort.

_He's _worth the effort.

He may not wish for our friendship, but he has it. Though we're far apart, we're a family of sorts. One with bonds, unbreakable ones that can't be dismissed. We're all flawed, some of us scarred with horrors of our past. But we've grown passed that, we're less naïve now.

At least, I know I am. No longer will I be an annoyance, I can hold my own. Thanks to Tsunade-shishou and her training, I've become stronger. Physically and mentally.

And with my newfound strength and Naruto by my side, I feel that I am indestructible. There is nothing I can't have.

Except for him.

He's the only missing piece to this haven that I've built myself. He's the one thing that seems to always be out of my reach, constantly running away. Just when we think that success is around the corner, he goes down a different path, one more rocky and difficult than the one before. We can never foresee his next move. All of our efforts have reached a dead end.

What else can we do?

I should have never let him go on our last encounter. It had been a meeting of pure coincidence. I had been on a routine mission near Kirigakure for medics in training. His reason for being there I couldn't even guess.

But I suppose it doesn't matter, because he was there, and that was all that I cared about at the moment.

Thinking back, I wish Naruto had been there with me. I'm sure he could have been more effective. If Naruto had been there, I wouldn't have to deal with this inner turmoil. A part of me wants to tell him that I spotted Sasuke-kun, to renew his dwindling hope. But I bite my tongue, knowing he would want to know what happened.

Keeping a secret is easier than lying to his face. I can't reside in him when it comes to this. This, I've turned to my journal.

To spill my heart. To ease my troubled soul. Perhaps I am blowing it out of proportion, and sometime in the near future it will be a long-lost memory, a forgotten, hazy dream.

For sometimes I feel it was surreal. I contemplate the possibility that it was all a fluke, something my mind conjured up.

But my feelings on that day were too real for it to be a dream. The words that were said too deep.

And he…he was too Sasuke-kun. His every movement, word, and action was so…so him. So brutal and cruel.

I don't know any other way to describe it. Everything that was said and done were in the moment, not thought through.

My heart did most of the talking, reasoning far from my thoughts. My actions were spontaneous, my fear of losing him getting in the way. I couldn't let the moment pass by. He was finally in my reach, and I was intent on it staying that way.

Did I intend for everything to play out the way they had?

No.

I had wanted to reason with him, to tell him that he was walking the wrong path. He wouldn't listen, he never has. He was about to walk away, leave me in the cold.

I felt powerless. And that's when my emotions came into play. At first, I was angry with him for being so arrogant and stubborn. I started yelling in rage, telling him of his many flaws.

_He _was the weak one, gullible, and willing. He was a mouse bound to be caught in the trap set up for him.

And when he turned his head back to my direction, probably to tell me off, I punched him.

Square in the jaw.

It felt so good to vent my anguish and I could tell by the way his eyes seemed to widen slightly that he hadn't expected it.

He was quick to react for he quickly had me cornered into a tree, his sword and arms trapping me. I saw in his eyes the emptiness I knew he must have felt.

Though I wished to take his pain away, I would not forget my own.

"You are wasting my time."

I was prepared for his harsh words. I met his cold gaze with one of my own. "Not able to face the truth?" I spat. "That you're just as weak as you proclaim that I am? You're a puppet, and your strings are constantly being pulled."

A scowl formed on his face. "Who are you to call me weak? You are worthless and pathetic, you will never change."

I_ felt_ pathetic as I felt hot tears come to my eyes. "I met him awhile back. Your brother."

His fists clenched on the tree.

I continued, "And you are becoming just like him." I swallowed the lump formed in my throat from the tears.

His glare was as icy as his tone, "You are dreading in deep water, Sakura, and you're drowning quickly."

I knew I had struck a nerve. "I suppose I am," I admitted, "And I will continue to until I open your eyes. You're better than this. Don't lower yourself to his standards."

"If it is what I must do to kill him, so be it," he said it so casually.

"But--" I was persistent.

"Enough." He clasped his hands around my throat. I let out a gagging sound, and my hands found his, attempting to remove them. Only, to my dismay, his grip tightened. "You speak in ignorance. That man," his words were drenched in venom and disgust, "killed his own family without a second thought. All for power. Ever since, I have deemed it upon myself to gain vengeance. And nothing and no one," I let out a cough as his hands began to leave imprints on my throat from the pressure being place upon it, "will get in my way."

His mouth came close to my ear. "I will kill anyone who tries," a shiver ran down my spine, "Do I make myself clear?" He slammed my back into the tree, my feet dangly above the ground as I let out a whimper.

"You are nothing to me."

My tears fell upon his fists. I was stupid and unwise now, my next words capable of costing me my life. But I would not give up. "I don't believe that," I choked out, my strength coming to the surface as I managed to loosen his iron grip, "You cannot stand there," I coughed once more, "and honestly tell me that we've never meant anything to you."

He seemed unfazed, but I trudged on.

"Because if that were true," sweat began to fall from my brow, "You would have killed me on the spot."

There was silence for a moment, and I thought that maybe I was finally breaking through his exterior. Until…

"I have yet to kill you for you are not worth the effort. A bug I don't feel like squashing." He released me from his hold, stepping back a few steps as I feel to the ground. Breathing heavily, I looked up. Expecting him to be gone, I was shocked when I saw him gazing upon me, his coal eyes as blank as ever.

"But shall you continue your pursuit, I won't hesitate."

My mouth dry, I licked my lips. I stood to the ground, my hesitation and fear leaving in a burst of confidence. We stood merely inches apart, and I had to crane my head up in order to look into his eyes.

"Then kill me."

I'm sure my emerald eyes reflected all the seriousness that I felt.

"Because I will die, by your hands or not, before I give up on you."

My heart had the floor and was spilling its contents through my mouth.

His eyes slanted, searching my own. "You are a fool."

A sad smile kissed my lips. "Love makes you do foolish things." The words were firm, steady.

He disregarded my words. "Attachments will only make you weak and vulnerable."

"So you're saying that you have no attachments, bonds to anyone?" I was testing him, searching his face for any sign of remorse. I found none.

He only repeated himself. "They make you weak. I have no need for such valueless things."

His words cut deep, creating a worse wound then his sword ever could. But I would not falter. I stood on my toes. "Prove it," my forefinger traced his cheekbone, and my breath seemed to quicken, "Prove that you have no attachment to me."

And, as if I had been mysteriously replaced by someone else, I committed a very bold action.

I kissed him. Soft, yet deep.

Pouring my soul into it, trying to express the feelings that I felt. My lips felt oh so right upon his own.

His lack of response caused me to pull away, planting my feet upon the ground as I stared at him, hoping to see a hint, a single trace, of a reaction.

A domineering smirk came from him. "I feel nothing for you."

I let out a sob and latched my arms around his neck, determined to change his mindset. This time when I kissed him I was not timid and gentle, but fierce. I was in far too deep to back out now. I would not accept this. I refused to lose him.

Maybe he was trying to test me, maybe he was just finding my antics amusing, but for whatever reason, he pulled me to him.

Our bodies aligned with each other. A perfect fit.

Bewildered from his bluntness, I pulled back slightly, still held in his arms.

A maniacal smirk formed.

Was this a game to him? Toying with my emotions, was it that enjoyable?

"What's the matter, Sakura?" His tone was cynical. Making my body collide with his, I could tell that he could sense my fear. I was unaware of what he was capable of, of what his true intentions could be.

One moment he was unmoving, the next he was meeting my kiss with as much fever as I. I will never be able to figure him out.

I was playing with fire, bound to be burned because of my attraction to the flame. I was unconcerned with his motives, just being with him in such a manner brought me happiness.

Against my better judgment, I leaned up to kiss his lips once more, intertwining my fingers into his hair.

I knew he was playing me for a fool. I was not as blind sighted as he thought.

But I was addicted to this new feeling. His lips upon mine, his arms around me, holding me close.

He removed his mouth from mine, his lips inching down my neck. As I mewled in pleasure, he pinned me up against the tree harshly. I let out a gasp in pain, and I felt one side of his lips move upward, enjoying my suffering.

I saw the sun hiding behind the trees, signifying the end of the day. When night fell, would the others begin to search for me, I wondered. What if they caught me like this, sexually associating with a traitor? I should leave before this gets out of ha—

My thoughts were intervened by Sasuke-kun's tongue invading my mouth, running across every cavern.

I responded by clasping his chin with my thumb and forefinger, my previous thoughts long gone. Any logical sense that I could have had gone with his breathtaking kiss.

He grabbed my hands with one of his own, placing them above my head.

Sasuke-kun was dominating every move, possessive in his every action. I removed my mouth from his, my lungs in desperate need of air. His free hand caressing up and down the fabric of my shirt, he began to place kisses down my neck.

His mouth soon reaching my shirt, his hand released mine, and he began to remove my shirt.

A shiver ran through me as I felt his cold hands touch my stomach. I lifted my arms up, allowing him to strip me of the article of clothing.

As he tossed my shirt aside, my hands stoked his chest in slow motions. I could feel Sasuke-kun's hands running along my forearms, the smooth skin forming goose bumps from the contact. His hands finding their way to my back, I could feel him attempting to take off my bra. His fingers fumbled over the material.

Hiding a giggle threatening to release, I clasped the strap which his hands were placed upon, and unsnapped it.

Grabbing the straps, he pulled them below my shoulders, the bra falling to the ground.

A bit self-conscious, I placed my arms over my breasts, a blush forming on my face.

Roughly, Sasuke-kun situated my arms at my sides, holding them there as his obsidian eyes scrutinized my naked torso.

Bowing my head, my eyes stayed fixated on the ground as he examined my figure, afraid of his disapproval.

But I suppose he was satisfied with me, because it wasn't too long before he began nibbling on the sensitive skin right below my breasts.

My head shot up, my fingers finding their way back to Sasuke-kun's spiky hair, gently tugging at the strands.

His hot mouth left bite marks on my breasts from his sharp teeth. I felt his hands at my waist, jerking my pants down.

My mind in a lustful haze, I kicked my shorts aside as they fell, grabbing Sasuke-kun's face and moving it upwards until we were at eye-level. All bashfulness gone, I ran my hands along the rope tied around his waist, attempting to untie it. After a few knots, I succeeded and the clothing that was held up by the rope fell down along with it.

Quickly, Sasuke-kun grabbed my hands, determined to keep control of the situation. He pursued with a savage attack on my mouth, the force he used earth shattering. I could feel his tongue running across my teeth. Taking in air every time he gave a little leeway, the directness of his kiss left me dizzy.

After a few minutes of exchanging our saliva, Sasuke-kun released his mouth from mine. By this time, I was out of breath, taking in the air graciously.

I looked into lustful dark orbs. Cautiously, I moved to remove his shirt. Allowing me to do so, the shirt was left forgotten on the dirty ground along with my clothing. His pants were soon discarded along with the rest.

I looked in awe, enticed by his beauty. I ran my hands along his muscles, feeling them tense up as I did so. I moved up to kiss his shoulder gently, merely inches from his curse mark. My eyes catching sight of the atrocity, I neared it.

Sasuke-kun must have sensed my motives, for he stopped me by biting down on my neck, hard. I let out a yelp in pain, feeling the blood ooze from the wound.

He grasped my arms, his grip sure to leave bruises, and gave me a look of warning, one with murderous intent.

I nodded in understanding, mentally noting to myself to never touch the mark. Afraid that I had irritated him, I leaned in to kiss his lips.

Before I could reach him, my breath was about knocked out of me when he pushed his pelvis into mine, pinning me to the tree.

My breath quickened, my thoughts coming together, no longer jumbled. This was happening. I was here, in the middle of the woods, with Sasuke-kun, about to do the most intimate thing possible between two people. Was I ready for this?

Yes.

I would be willing to give myself to him. After all, I did tell him I'd do anything.

So I was prepared when Sasuke-kun inched his fingers down, about to remove the only cloth keeping me from being completely exposed in front of him.

He tore it off of me.

My heart began to race, nervousness filling my being. I was a medic-nin, and no fool. I knew this would hurt, bad, as every woman's first time does.

I was not aware that Sasuke-kun had taken off his boxers until I felt his hardened member against my stomach.

His hands fell to my waist, pushing me up to his level. I hissed at the contact with the bark, wrapping my legs about his waist and arms around his neck. My muscles were tensed, my breathing heavy.

I knew he wouldn't be gentle, but even with all my knowledge, I was not prepared for the immense pain I felt when Sasuke-kun entered me, breaking my hymen with one thrust.

Taking in a breath, I buried my face in his shoulder, tiny tears falling onto his neck. I felt as if my inner thighs were being torn apart, stretching themselves in order to fit him inside of me. I bit down on my tongue.

I could feel the blood trickle down my leg and this caused me to worry. Should I have been bleeding that much?

Sasuke-kun came out to pound back inside of me again.

I let out a whimper, my arms tightening around his neck. I wished for him to slow down, but dared not speak anything, now aware of his temperament.

I heard Sasuke-kun's grunts, his mouth near my ear, as he picked up his pace, thrusting mercilessly into me.

With each thrust I let out another whimper, feeling him coming further and further into my core.

My back was being violently thrashed into the tree with each move, the scratches stinging.

I tried to block out the pain, trying to feel only pleasure.

He continued to hammer into me ruthlessly, and I moved my hips with his, trying to meet his pace. With each incursion, the pain began to slowly subside.

My breath began to accelerate, his name coming out in low whispers. My fingernails ran up his back in ecstasy.

And then he stopped, moving himself out of me.

I stared at him questionably, wondering why he stopped. I had been so close to fulfillment.

An egotistic smirk came to his face, and I could feel his hot breath as he neared my ear. "Beg."

I raised an eyebrow. "N-Nani?"

"Beg for it. Beg like the feeble girl you are." His tone was one of humor.

He was getting a kick out of this alright.

But I could be just as stubborn as him. I didn't say a word, my unfulfilled desire becoming painful to bear.

He pressed his member against my leg, licking the shell of my ear.

I wouldn't, I had my pride.

His hands found their way to my breasts, fondling them.

I let out a moan, an indescribable heat coming to me. I couldn't take much more of his taunting.

"Onegai," I was pathetic, just as he thought. "In-in me."

I bucked my hips toward his and another smirk met his face.

"And what if I say no?"

No more, I couldn't stand any more teasing.

"I-I need you." To complete me.

"What do you want me to do, eh, Sa-ku-ra," the way he said my name was so enticing.

I was about to lose my mind. "Enter me, p-please."

Sasuke-kun raised an eyebrow, continuing to toy with me. He placed a finger within me and my body shook.

"Is that what you want?"

I nodded my head in response.

"Do you want me to fuck you senseless," Sasuke-kun nuzzled my head beneath his chin, "Hmm?"

I placed my hands in his hair. "Yes."

I should've felt ashamed of my weakness, but he was a drug.

Two fingers came within me.

I told him what I knew he wanted to hear, "I'm yours to use. Fuck me until you can't anymore."

"Good girl."

He filled me once more, his pace slow and agonizing. "You're going to regret your words, Sakura."

I barely registered his words, bliss filling every inch of me. But it wasn't enough. His pace was frustrating.

"Faster." I breathed.

Sasuke-kun yanked my head back, his hands clenching my hair. "I make the orders."

I nodded. He was the master, I a poor slave.

He continued to take his time, entering me slowly and withdrawing himself quickly.

He was going to outlast me.

I could feel a hotness within me, my muscles contracting around his length. I screamed his name, throwing my head back, as I reached a climax.

My eyes rolled to the back of my head in an orgasmic high.

My scream must have set him off, because he soon began furiously ramming into me.

My moans became louder and louder, and looking back it was a wonder that no one heard.

As he continued to drive into me, I wondered just how long he would last. I breathed his name again and again, my fingers gripping onto his hair.

Another swift thrust had me over the edge, Sasuke-kun going along with me as I felt his semen release into me.

I attempted to catch my breath as I slowly stroked his charcoal hair. He removed himself from me.

It was over.

For a moment.

I felt Sasuke-kun moving, placing my back onto the ground, hovering over me with a cruel smirk.

Frightened eyes stared at him. What was he planning to do? I squirmed uncomfortably. He flipped me over, my face meeting the dirt.

Scared, I attempted to get up, only to have his hands push me back down.

I became afraid, wondering what on earth I had gotten myself into.

"You know," my heart stopped beating at the sound of his cynical voice, one of his hands trailing down my back lazily as the other held me down. "I could still kill you."

I caught my breath. His sword was only a mere foot away.

"It would only take me a moment," his voice got lower, "I could slit your throat, and watch you bleed to death."

I swallowed. What kind of monster was he? A moment ago, we were making love, and now…No , it wasn't making love. It had been a mindless fuck. I had fallen into his trap once again.

This is what he meant when he said I would regret my words.

He was going to leave me here to die.

"No one would know what happened, until it was too late," he continued, his voice menacing.

And even with all my power that I had gained in the past few years, my struggles from his hold were futile.

Tears came to my eyes. I would die here, by his very hands. The holder of my heart would be the one to take my life.

How morbid and ironic life is.

How fitting.

He was the one who caused me all my sorrow, the source of all the pain and suffering I have gone through.

It was only suiting that he would be the one to kill me.

But, I was scared. I would be leaving so much behind. Naruto, Sai, Kakashi-sensei, Yamato-sempai, Tsunade-shishou, I had let them all down. Tears ran down my cheeks like streams.

I hadn't been able to save him. The one thing that I wanted to do more than anything, I had failed at accomplishing.

My life was going to an end, in the middle of the woods, naked, with no one around to save me from murderous hands. How pitiful.

I let out a sob, preparing to ready myself for the attack, closing my eyes tightly.

"But," my eyes snapped back open, "I'm feeling generous tonight."

What could that possibly mean, my mind was racing.

I could feel the hand that had been trailing my back now on my thigh, stroking it. His body was still on top of mine.

"If you can give me a good reason to," there was a pause, "I will spare your worthless life."

He was a fiend.

My mind told me to let him kill me, to let me keep one ounce of dignity. It was all I had left.

But I began to think about the people important to me.

They still needed me, I couldn't die yet. I wasn't ready to die.

I tried to think of something useful to say. My mind was blank. The only thing I could think of was what Naruto had told me Sasuke-kun had once said.

"Because," this was it, my fate laid in this. I was a goner for sure, "I was important to you once, Naruto and I were. And you," my mouth was becoming dry; "You said that you could never see an important person die in front of you again."

I felt a kunai run across my neck.

He must have grabbed one from my pack while I was contemplating an answer.

His words were laced with anger and bitterness. "You both were a hindrance to me. You would have dragged me down from my true purpose. I would have no problem in killing you."

I felt a slit being cut across my back, and I bit back the pain with my lip.

Tears still streaming, I said, "I'm not worth the effort, remember?"

"True." He needed a little more convincing.

I then spoke words of shame, losing the small dignity I had, "Because I will do anything for you. I'm a puppet, at your mercy."

"Hmm. Yes, you are a nice rag doll." There was another pause. "And I'm not," the kunai grazed against me, "yet satisfied."

My eyes widened as he entered me from behind, my stomach arching off the ground. My insides were sore, exhausted from the previous activities. His thrusts were brutal and I felt tears come to my eyes as I whimpered.

Was this all I was good for, I thought.

My insides kept expanding, trying to adjust to the new position. If at all possible, his moves seemed even more powerful than before, my hips not able to find his rhythm. My hair stuck to my face from the perspiration forming.

I bit down, trying not to moan as I reached another orgasm, spilling all over his length.

I remained unmoving while he performed a few more thrusts before finally coming. He collapsed on top of me, his breath on my neck.

My core was pulsing, throbbing in pain. The blood that had dripped down was now dry, sticking to my legs.

I couldn't help but let out a whimper. I sounded as pitiful as I felt.

I no longer felt Sasuke-kun on top of me, and I was flipped back over onto my back, my tears visible.

He was hovering above me again, looking down at me with indifferent eyes. "I wonder," he spoke, moving downward, "how much you can take."

Please, no more, I wanted to scream.

I clutched the grass with my hands, clasping my eyes shut, as he entered me yet again.

That man had stamina.

He further parted my legs in order to gain better access.

When one thrust hit me, I let out a deep moan. He had never hit that spot before, and it left me tingly.

He hit it again, harder this time.

My head moved from side to side as my pleasure intensified.

"Sasuke-kun," I whispered each time he hit that spot, progressively louder. "Sa-su-ke-kun. Yes, oh, yes." There was no discomfort this time around.

My core now yearned for him to keep pounding within me, for him to never stop.

I was able to keep up with his sturdy pace as our bodies molded together.

Our hips found a rhythm, each time he came down for a thrust, my hips would move up to hit his.

He buried his face in my chest as he grunted, both of our orgasms reached.

He lay on my chest for a few moments, catching his breath, and proceeded to get up.

I knew what was going to happen.

I wound my legs around him, using my arms to drag him back down.

"No, please," I choked back a sob.

"Sakura," his voice was threatening.

"Don't leave me," my voice was broken, a lump forming in my throat, "I'll do anything."

He smirked again, this one less cryptic, but still intense. "You've already done all you can."

"But--"

That was all that I remember, then everything went black.

He had knocked me out again.

By the time I had awoken, he was long gone. There was no sign that he had even been there. I had looked up at the sky, which was full of stars.

It was late, any minute now the other medics would find me there, naked and bruised.

My back was full of scratches, the wound from the kunai being the deepest, my lips were bruised from his brutal kisses, as were my arms from his strong hold.

But nothing compared to the shot of pain that went through my inner thighs as I sat up.

If I could walk, it would be a miracle.

I limply scooted over to wear my clothes resided, slowly putting them back on.

Of course, my panties were in shambles so I had to deal without them.

I grasped onto tree branches as I walked back to camp, my mind weary from the night's events.

I was lucky that they didn't ask questions about my state.

Their only concern was where I had been.

I made an excuse, saying that I had to rescue a little girl from drowning and that I had to find her parents for her.

They may not have believed it, but they did not question me any further.

It had been a long night, and I was relieved to lie down upon my sleeping bag. I stared up at the moon before I drifted off, thinking of Sasuke-kun of course.

But not only of him.

But of myself too, and the things that we had partaken in that night.

It all seemed so surreal, that I wouldn't have believed it had I not been so battered and bruised.

That night, I made a decision.

I would stay true to my dreams of bringing Sasuke-kun back, despite what he had acted like that night. I would grow stronger, so that next time I could defend myself.

I told myself he could change, and that I would be the one capable of changing him.

With that thought in mind, I fell asleep.

Sleep was good to me that night, for in my dreams all my lofty aspirations came true. In them, I found true happiness, with Sasuke-kun by my side.

* * *

_It's the way that he makes you feel.  
It's the way that he kisses you.  
It's the way that he makes you fall in love. _

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and  
the killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men. 

_-_Sugarcult's Pretty Girl_  
_

Okay, take it easy on me since this is my first story. I wrote it in May, so the events in the first few chapters may not coincide well with the recent chapters of the manga, because I wasn't sure if I should put it up or not. But, here it is...so, yeah, constructive critisism is nice, but try not to be too mean, ne? I know Sasuke isn't too in character, but I wanted to portray him as cold and ruthless, because back when I wrote it, one couldn't be too sure of his mannerism.

DeadlySunrise


	2. My Immortal

"_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave

* * *

_

**Juu-ku Heisei Jūkunichi Jūnigatsu, Mokuyōbi** (Thursday, December 22 2007)

With Christmas a mere three days away, and with the New Year's festivities following after that, Konohagakure is buzzing with holiday cheer.

I am preparing my post cards early this year, having begun them this morning. I did not wish to hand them to my friends late, yet again.

They contained the usual "Wishing you a happy New Year and an early spring" Things like that, the customary tradition.

This year I am even going to make my very own Christmas cake! I am a terrible cook, so it will take me awhile to get it just right, but I am determined to make one that is edible.

I have yet to even begin purchasing the gifts.

I have it all planned out, every gift well thought out, taking into account the personalities of those I wished to give a gift to.

For Tsunade-shishou, extra cash for her gambling, which will be sent along with her postcard.

For Shizune-san, a bunch of crosswords. Maybe they will be more effective than the stress ball I gave her last year.

For Kakashi-sensei, Icha Icha Tengoku (Make Out Heaven), the third to his favorite series.

For Yamato-sempai, a hammock that he can use when free of missions. I know how laid back he can be.

Sai is getting fresh paintbrushes, I've noticed that the ones he has now are losing bristles.

And for Naruto, tulip, lily, and rose seeds for his garden.

That's one new thing I've learned about Naruto. One of his favorite hobbies is gardening. Who would have figured?

I have to tell you, I am a bit relieved that this year is over. Maybe next year will run smoothly.

It will be a fresh start for me.

But I have a lot to do beforehand.

Yes, this week my schedule is full.

And for that I'm grateful.

Hopefully my busyness will keep my mind of things.

For now there is even more weighing on my shoulders than my encounter with Sasuke-kun.

I still think about it, all the time actually. It seems that I just can't shake him out of my system.

But now it seems that I have even more to concern myself with.

It happened today, when I was at my hospital shift. I had started working there more frequently due to the few missions that were coming about. I should be thankful for the fact that we seem to be in a time of peace at the moment, but I itch to get a real mission.

I had checked into the hospital that morning as I normally did, and proceeded to check upon patients that needed tending to.

That all went fine, as it usually did.

It was when I ran into a young teenaged girl that my thoughts went haywire.

I was checking my schedule for that week in the main office of the hospital

She was a kunoichi, most likely a Genin, around twelve years old.

Her moves were hesitant as she walked up to me, a blush forming on her face.

"Excuse me," she said and I nodded my head at her.

"Yes, may I help you in anyway?" I questioned her, a small smile on my own face, having learned that the first step to gaining trust is to be friendly.

"Are-are you a medic?"

I answered with a simple yes.

"Well, then, um, you see," she averted her eyes from mine.

I raised an eyebrow. "What's the problem?"

"It's kind of embarrassing…"

"Uh huh?" I didn't know what it was she would want to ask.

She met my eyes. "Do you know if," she bit her lip, "What I'm trying to say, is it normal for a girl," she looked in both directions to make sure no one was looking. I blinked in confusion at this motion. "To bleed."

My eyes widened. Oh. "Have you not had this discussion with your mother?" I felt a little uncomfortable about discussing it myself.

Her eyes fell to the ground. "Uh uh. No, I haven't. You see, my mother's dead. She died when I was a little girl," I could see tears swelling in her eyes and I knew it must be a touchy subject.

I felt sympathy for her. I don't know how I would have gotten by without my own mother. "I'm sorry about that," she merely nodded, "Well, yes, it is normal for a girl your age to go through such things."

I could tell by her feet shifting that she was far from comfortable with this conversation.

I went behind the receptionist's desk, flipping through some informative guides. I picked up the one I was looking for and handed it to her.

She looked at me questionably.

"This should explain everything," I informed her, "But, if you ever have any other questions, don't hesitate to come talk to me okay?"

She nodded and scurried off.

I watched her leave before I went back to looking at my schedule, when my mind thought of something.

When was the last time I had my period?

It had been awhile, I knew that, but these weeks had seemed longer than normal.

Maybe it had just felt longer than four weeks.

Yeah, that had to be it, I told myself and continued my work.

But that wasn't the end of my suspicions.

I walked into the next patient's room, smiling. I would only be assisting with this one, Tamara-san being the head doctor. She is a very respected doctor, and it was the first time she had asked for my help, thus I was excited.

I looked to the bed, spotting the female patient sitting up on the patient's table. "Hello."

Blue eyes looked at me in confusion. "You are not Tamara-san."

"No, I'm going to be your nurse for today. My name is Sakura."

She nodded. "Nice to meet you, Sakura-san."

I looked down to view her records, it was the first time I had done so since I had received her papers. "So, it looks like…you're pregnant." My smile widened. "Congratulations."

had been that this is what Tamara-san had thought, so she wanted to teach me.

"Thank you." The patient played with the sheets. "I'm a little nervous."

"Your first child?" I questioned in curiousity.

She nodded. "My husband and I had always wanted children."

"How long have you two been married?" I took a seat beside her. Patients' love stories always hold my interest. Perhaps it's because I lack my own…

"Four years. We met back in the Academy, we were even in the same Genin team," she told me.

This caught my interest. "So you're a kunoichi then?"

She nodded. "Hai. I was until I learned of my condition just recently, and both my husband and I agreed that I should retire to stay-at-home mom."

I frowned, that didn't sound too appealing to me. "Is that what you want?"

The woman sighed. "Not really. I love being a ninja," a huge grin met her face and her arm wrapped around her stomach, "But I'll love being a mother more."

I beamed at her words. "That's great."

Her story reminded me of Kurenai-san. She was also pregnant, and I wondered if she was going to retire.

But then I remembered. She couldn't, she didn't have a husband to support her.

My smile turned to a deep frown, remembering Asuma-san's fate. It hadn't been too long since then and the wound that it held to those who had always been around him was still very present.

I shook that from my head and continued our conversation. "So…what's it like?" I had always been curious.

"What is what like?" she asked, and I was glad that she didn't mind me asking questions.

"Pregnancy. I've always wondered…"

Her face lit up in understanding. "Oh. Well, let me tell you, it's a roller coaster ride." She let out a laugh, "Of course, I'm overjoyed and giddy about it, but there are downsides too. A lot of side-effects to it." I was amazed that she was so comfortable talking about it. "First, there's cramps, then your breasts become tender. You become tired and unable to complete the simplest of things. I always felt exhausted after missions, sometimes I had to drop out of my next one in order to gain energy."

I wrinkled my nose unpleasantly. "Doesn't sound very fun."

She nodded. "That's not even the worst of it. The nausea is what killed me. And the headaches and backaches. But, it'll all be worth it in the end."

"Are you excited?"

"You have no idea. I've already started buying everything," she stated, giggling, "My husband is quite annoyed, really. With all my mood swings, he can't seem to keep up."

I laughed along with her. "How far along are you?"

"Not quite four months."

Before I could further question her, Tamara-san walked in. She smiled at both of us. "Hello girls." She nodded at me before turning to the patient.

"How are you feeling today Ishiro-san?"

"Pretty good, actually. Better than I've felt in awhile."

"That's good."

Through the appointment, I paid attention closely.

First, she checked the blood pressure.

Next was to see the baby's development.

I looked on in awe at the screen as I saw what would form into a baby.

It was so magnificent, so beautiful.

You could see all of the organs forming, its fingers and toes, its head.

It was so…breathtaking.

I was still awestruck when I left the hospital and I decided that I liked working with Tamara-san, she had a very enjoyable job.

When I got home, my mother asked me to clean my room for the upcoming New Year.

I told her I would, but when I began picking up objects off the floor, I felt exhausted and tired from work.

I collapsed onto my bed, stretching my arms out and yawning, cleaning far from my mind.

But, I thought to myself, I certainly hadn't done much that day.

I shrugged for a moment.

"_You become tired and unable to complete the simplest of things."_

I sat up quickly, my heart beating fast.

No, I told myself shaking my head. I was just being silly.

I had been on edge recently, so it was no wonder that I would be paranoid.

But then, I thought back to the incident with the girl.

I snatched my calendar from the wall, flipping back a month.

I skimmed over the weeks, trying to find a star, which indicated my first day of menstruation.

I didn't find it.

My heart pounded in my chest as I glanced through two months ago.

No.

Certainly this was mistaken.

According to my calendar, my last period was over ten weeks ago.

And that's when I started writing this, my mind still in disbelief.

The calendar must be wrong, right?

I have been busy, maybe I just forgot to put it down.

Yeah, or its stress, they say stress can cause you to skip your period.

It has to be one of those two, because I just…I just can't be…

Pregnant.

My Kami, what an inconceivable thought. There's just no way it's possible.

But, a part of my mind is telling me, it is.

It is possible.

I could be pregnant.

With Sasuke-kun's baby nonetheless.

No, I can't allow myself to think such things.

Besides, just because I have two symptoms, doesn't mean I am right? I haven't thrown up, and I feel as healthy as a horse besides my unexpected tiredness. I'm just stressed is all. There are other plausible explanations.

That has to be it.

It _has _to be.

I refuse to even think myself as pregnant.

It would ruin everything, the whole life that I built myself. I have not worked this hard in life, to grow stronger, to have it all tumbling down upon me like this.

Yes, a baby is a blessed gift to the world.

In most cases.

Not in my case.

Granted, I could never hate a child. Especially my own.

It's just the timing. It's all off.

A baby is supposed to be born into a steady, prosperous family with parents that are married and deeply in love. Parents that can take care of the child and provide it with its every need.

It's supposed to be bestowed upon people that wish for one.

It shouldn't be given to someone like me.

I'm too young and unstable.

I can barely manage to take care of myself, let alone an infant.

As if my life wasn't complicated enough.

I have no one to blame but myself. Why on earth won't these memories just leave me alone? Just when I thought that maybe I could forget, this has to happen. Sasuke-kun haunts me even when he's not around.

Ugh, I feel so weak, I can feel the tears forming in my eyes.

I'll just shake it off, that's what I will do.

I'll focus on work and the upcoming holidays.

I'll push it aside.

Worrying about it will only make it worse.

I want to enjoy the upcoming New Year, and I am going to do so.

I am going to party with my family and friends, eating cake until I can't anymore. I'll go to the shrine and pray as if I had never done so before. Until then, I'll just have to bury myself and work and concentrate and buying presents.

And if I still haven't had my period, after New Year's I will take a pregnancy test.

And just hope for the best.

* * *

'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase" 

-Evanescence's Immortal

Yeah, I know this one is a little short. But they're diary entries, so they can't always be uber long... Anyway, hope you all liked it. :3

I'd like to give a big thanks for those of you that took the time to review, or put the story under an alert or favorite, it made my heart all fuzzy inside. x3

So thanks to Dark Promise, AnImEfReAkS 91, neebu, and missprez2007.

DeadlySunrise


	3. My Only Wish This Year

"_Oh yeah yeah...  
__Last night I took a walk in the snow,  
__Couples holdin hands, places to go,  
__Seems like everyone but me is in love  
__Santa can you hear me?"

* * *

_

**Juu-ku Heisei Nijūgon-ichi Jūnigatsu, Suiyōbi** (Wednesday, December 25 2007)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Aw, and what a good Christmas it was.

Beethoven's Ninth Symphony is still ringing in my ears, all the stores across town playing it.

I began the day by eating one of the Christmas cakes I had prepared.

Weird, I know it isn't a breakfast food, but I was itching for it.

And I have to admit, after twelve tries, I actually got the recipe right. Though it did leave me with a messy kitchen to clean up, I was very pleased with myself.

It was delicious.

At least, to me it was anyway.

Naruto and Sai didn't find it so when I had handed them a piece when they had arrived at my house to begin our day.

Sai, being rude as always, just spat it out, muttering about how awful it had tasted, and the bitterness that it had left in his mouth. He was lucky that it was Christmas, for I would have bopped him right then and there.

At least Naruto was courteous enough to swallow it, though I am not sure if it stayed down. It didn't really insult me, okay, maybe it did a little, since I thought I had finally gotten down baking, but it was more confusing than anything.

I found it quite odd.

Naruto could basically eat anything, yet this he could barely stand.

But I enjoyed it immensely.

Odd.

Anyway, after that incident, I gave them their presents.

Naruto loved his, and insisted that he would plant the seeds as soon as possible. Though, of course, I do not see that happening any time soon, with all of the snow that is placed on the ground.

Sai gave a smile of gratitude, and I'm sure he's using those paintbrushes right now. Which I am happy for, because I hadn't been sure if that was what would appease him, I have yet to fully crack his exterior.

I was glad that they liked them.

Because I surely liked my presents.

Naruto had given me a strawberry plant, telling me how to care for it. I set it next to my window the moment I got home and watered it. It was a very thoughtful gift, for I love the fruit, and they are out of season in the market.

Sai, surprisingly, gave me a wonderful present too.

When I began opening it, I was half expecting it to be something vile, like a snake or something. He always seemed to get out a good kick out of things like that.

But I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

It was a painting of the four of us, Yamato-sempai, Naruto, Sai, and I, each of us smiling and posing.

We were now a team, it seemed, where all of us could finally get along. Yamato-sempai and Sai, they are great people on the inside, but a pang of nostalgia hits me sometimes, when I think of the team…the team that Naruto and I used to have,. But Sai, and Yamato-sempai, they are beginning to grow on me.

I gave him a big smile and thanked him.

He shrugged it off as if it were no big deal.

The painting is now hanging on my wall, where I can always look upon it when I wish to.

It's absolutely stunning, drawn to perfection, every detail in the correct place. And to my biggest surprise, I don't look like a cow.

After present opening, we headed to the Ichiraku because Naruto had yet to have breakfast.

When Jii-san handed him the bowl, I got a big whiff of the ramen, and covered my mouth, running to a corner before barfing out my cake.

Ech. Obviously my cake was as bad as they said.

That or ramen just isn't appealing to me in the morning.

After Naruto worried about me for ten minutes, I finally convinced him that I was fine, forcing him to eat his breakfast before I barfed again and chose him to be my target.

He complied with my wishes, because I'm sure that was something he didn't with to happen.

We trained for awhile after that, down by the river.

Well, Naruto did anyway.

Sai wasn't in the mood so opted to paint.

And I didn't wish to Naruto do a bloody pulp at that instant so I just sat on a rock near the waterfall, watching him train.

The silence was nice, yet deafening. It made me think, which was something I really didn't want to do.

So I was relieved when Ino, Shikamaru, Chouji, and Kakashi-sensei showed up. My guess was that they had wanted to train too.

After all, their Christmas wasn't too merry. It was their first Christmas without Asuma-san, and I knew they must be hurting.

Thus, I attempted to form a conversation with Ino.

"Merry Christmas, porky," I told her, hoping to bring her spunkiness back.

But she was too wrapped up in Sai, gawking over him. It made me narrow her eyes in a glare at her, but she ignored that too. As she walked passed me, I let out a sigh. Some things would never change.

She walked up to his canvas, and waved at him. "Merry Christmas, Sai-kun."

It didn't truly bother me that she ignored me, I was glad that she was okay.

I heard Shikamaru sigh beside me, used to her antics but still finding them bothersome.

"Merry Christmas, Shikamaru-san."

He looked at me and gave a nod. "Same to you, Sakura-san."

I gave him a smile. "Arigato."

I couldn't imagine the pain they were going through, but I tried to grasp it, as I did whenever it came to the pain of others. Being a medic, I wished to share the pain and mend it whenever I was able to. But emotional pain, I am well aware that there is nothing I can do to cure that, since I have my own always tugging at my heart.

Chouji seemed to be taking it okay, almost eating as much as he had before the death.

Though, I had seen Shikamaru on a couple of occasions with a cigarette popped in his mouth, and I knew he had taken on the habit when Asuma had died, as if the smoke or habit reminded him of his sensei. I had never mentioned it to him, since it was his own life to life.

It made me wonder what Asuma-san's last words to them had been.

"How is Kurenai-san?" I questioned with a tilt to my head, a soft smile on my face, though my tone was delicate.

"She's fairing well, given the circumstances," he replied.

Shikamaru seemed so more grown up, they all did. Ino had yet to insult me, and Chouji seemed to be working out more.

"That's good to hear."

Shikamaru nodded.

Naruto called him over, and he dragged himself over to the loud blonde.

"Oi," I looked beside me to see Kakashi-sensei reading Icha Icha Baiorensu.

It gave me a sense of nostalgia.

I felt bitter that he would no longer be my instructor. He had a new team now, and it hurt me inside though I refused to show it.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot," I grabbed my pack and handed him his present, which was neatly wrapped and tied with a bow.

He took it from me and his eye closed, a pose I knew meant that he was smiling behind that mask of his. It was his way of saying thanks. When he opened it, his visible eye widened, and I could tell he was happy with the present. I smiled as he opened it, beginning to read.

But before he became too entranced, he handed me a package as well.

I was shocked, to say the least, but took it with gratitude.

And when I opened it, tears came to my eyes.

It was a picture, the same one that sits at my dresser, in a frame that said, "The Good Old Days" at the top. The only Team 7 picture that there even is. Yes, those definitely were the good days. The picture is placed beside the one that Sai gave me, reflecting the two major chunks that exist in my life, not the same, but intertwining together nonetheless.

He placed an assuring hand on my shoulder, patting it gently.

I wiped the tears. "Thank you."

"We'll get him back."

I nodded. The mere implication of him filled me with sorrow. What if we couldn't bring him back?

Our team was falling apart at its seams.

Why us?

What have we ever done to deserve this?

Oh, Kami, I shouldn't even began thinking this, I can feel the tears welling my eyes already. I don't want to cry anymore, I want to be useful.

That was the downside of my day.

Things looked brighter when we bade them goodbye as we set off to find Yamato-sempai.

It didn't take too long.

We exchanged presents and a few words.

It was awkward.

I don't know Yamato-sempai that well, but I wish to learn more about him. His past is so mysterious, but he is a really nice guy.

Tough, yes, but nice.

We weren't able to talk long, for he had an ANBU mission to accomplish.

He just never stops working does he?

We did get to have a picnic with him, though, after we convinced him that he would need the energy.

After that, we didn't have much else to do, so we wander the streets, admiring the decorations.

As excited as I was for Christmas, New Years was always the favorite part of my year.

So I dragged my two comrades to the nearest shrine for early reflection.

I thought, long and hard, about my year, and thanked the gods for my fortunes.

I prayed that they would be gracious to me the next year.

Maybe they would be kind enough to bring Sasuke-kun back to us.

That was my dearest wish.

"Ne, Sakura-chan," I opened an eye to glance at Naruto who had interrupted my thoughts. I nodded at him to continue. "Can we get going yet?"

He had always been impatient, so I agreed that we could leave. I would have more time to meditate on New Year's Eve.

While leaving the shrine, I caught sight of Team 8 nearby.

I saw Kurenai-san for the first time since Asuma-san's funeral.

She looked healthy, her belly swelling.

But her face was pale, almost as white as the snow, and her eyes sparkled with very little life. I couldn't imagine what she was going through at that moment, but I wanted to say that somehow, I share her pain, just not in the same sense.

"Merry Christmas," I told to them as the three of us walked up to them.

Kiba-san grinned his toothy smile.

Shino-san nodded.

"M-Merry Christmas," was Hinata-san's stuttered reply.

She looked pale too, though I'm sure it was for a different reason that Kurenai-san, and I'm surprised she didn't collapse on the spot. Poor Hinata, I wonder if Naruto will ever notice her. The baka. Perhaps one of these days I'll have to play matchmaker for the pair, I think that would do some good for Naruto. I know, am very aware though sometimes I wish to remain oblivious, to the fact that Naruto still has lingering feelings for me that go beyond our sibling like bond, but I believe, that if he just gave Hinata a chance, that he would come to find that she is a very sweet girl.

"Merry Christmas indeed," Kurenai-san said.

"Are you guys excited for the new year?" Naruto asked.

Kiba-san rubbed his arms. "I'm more anxious for the spring. I hate this cold weather," he mumbled.

"Wimp," Naruto coughed and Kiba-san scowled.

I grabbed Naruto's ear, not wanting Naruto to further anger anyone, and dragged him along as we began to walk away. "Ja ne,"

The day was still young, but we had run out of things to do.

"What now?" Naruto pouted.

I stretched my arms as I let out a yawn. "I'll see you guys later. I think I'm going to go home to the folks," I informed them, bidding them goodbye for the day, the two males heading off together.

As I walked home, my eyes caught sight of something I didn't wish to see.

Couples.

They were everywhere, holding hands, laughing, enjoying each other's questioning.

Life is too cruel.

Why couldn't I find the happiness that they had?

Perhaps I don't deserve it, after everything. Sometimes I think so. What man would want me, anyway? I would feel as if I was deceiving them, because it isn't as if I can tell them about…my previous relations.

Besides, at this moment, my heart already is in the hands of another, someone who constantly abuses it for amusement. I have yet to move on from him, no matter how hard I try to rationalize with myself.

It's almost as if he has a hold on me, and in a sense, he truly does. He made me consent to…inconceivable actions on my part, and looking back, I should be disgusted with myself. His hold on my is suffocating, and I don't know how much longer I have to breath before I just give way.

When I got home, I called out for my parents. They didn't answer. I found a note on the kitchen fridge. They had decided to go out to celebrate.

I sighed, of course they would want to be alone.

Yet another happy couple.

It was like a knife to my heart.

So, all-in-all, my Christmas was fairly good.

There were some sad moments, but what day excludes them?

Hm, I think I'm going to go downstairs and eat another cake.

I'm starving.

* * *

"_I want my baby, baby  
__I want someone to love me, someone to hold"  
__-_Britney Spears' My Only Wish This Year

I was planning to get this up at Christmas, but I was taken away to my grandparents' house, where there are no computers, so I apologize that it is late. So, in order to make it up to you, expect a chapter from me tomorrow or the next day too. ;3 Oh, and I actually did research Japanese Christmas, so I knew what to write in this one.

And once again, I appreciate my reviewers: neebu, cherrilatina, Secret225, and Lenore Hepburn. They are what motivate me to continue writing this story, since I always feel so iffy about it.

DeadlySunrise


	4. Runaway Love

"_Never thinkin bout the consequences of her actions  
Livin' for today and not tomorrow's satisfaction"_

_

* * *

_

**Nijuu Heisei Tsuitachi Ichigatsu, Suiyōbi** (Wednesday, January 1 2008)

My heart is weary and heavy.

Today had been great up until this moment.  
Full of hanetsuki, takoagekoma, and sugoroku, all of which I played with Naruto and Sai. Of course, Sai seemed to be the best at the games of us all, and he and Naruto got into a few heated, petty arguments.

I don't remember a time that I laughed so much. It was good for me, to be able to feel so free, so relaxed, and I can't recall how long it has been since I have felt so good, so content with life.

We spent most of the afternoon making rice cakes, some were edible, some weren't.

The festivities were as beautiful as always, the fireworks being my favorite part.

I could go into detail more than I have, but my mind is too numb, too consumed to even recollect everything that has happened.

As I said I would, on my way home I snuck into the hospital to take a pregnancy test for

I would be too ashamed to walk into a store to buy one. Yes, I have yet to go through my cycle since I last checked the calendar, and now my anxiety and fear has shot out the roof. I was relieved to find that not many were in the hospital due to the holiday, and I sneaked in and out without a problem.

When I went to my house, I was relieved to find my parents out again. I would hate to have to explain what I concealed from them. Once I had closed the door, I had run up to my room as fast as my feet would take me.

My hands had trembled as I opened the box once I was securely locked in my bathroom.

They continued to shake as I waited for the results, sitting on the toilet, my head buried in my up drawn knees.

For what seemed like forever I sat there, thinking about it all.

A part of me wished to have Naruto by my side to support me.

Naruto, I thought, what would he say if he knew about this?

A lump formed in my throat.

Would he be ashamed, disappointed?

Look away in disgust?

I couldn't bare that.

And what of Kakashi-sensei or Yamato-sempai? They find me responsible and I have broken their trust.

I know I should have told them a long time ago, but I can't bring myself to.

Afraid that I would spill everything.

And that would make them even more disappointed in me.

I am ashamed of my wrongdoings.

Disappointed and hateful of myself.

Why, I kept asking myself, why did I let him have his way with me? Why didn't I fight back, beat him to a bloody pulp?

I felt worse than a slut at that moment as I sat on the toilet, drowning in my thoughts.

It had been consensual, I had let him do anything he pleased. Let him beat me down, take my breath away.

He could have killed me, and that did not even seem to faze me.

If I was pregnant, I told myself, it would be Kami's way of punishing me for such an unforgivable sin.

But I prayed He wouldn't be so cruel. I told Him that I was sorry, oh so sorry.

I then stood to look at the test placed on the counter. When I looked at that stick, picking it up with shaking hands, tears tumbled down my face as I fell to my knees, dropping the test as I did so, burying my hands in my head.

I'm too young for this.

The test was blue.

Positive, Yes, Pregnant, whichever.

So much for my fresh start.

I am going to have a child.

My Kami.

My worst nightmare has come true. My worries weren't for nothing. My conscious knew the truth all along, I have just been stubborn up until this point.

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

I CAN'T DO THIS!

But what other choice do I have?

There is a baby growing within me, and there is no way that I can change that.

Abortion is no option for me. I may be bitter, but I am by no means heartless. I could never kill an innocent being. This child was my fault, a result of a horrid decision.

So I'm going to have this baby. I'm pregnant at the mere age of 15, still a child myself. By the time the child is born, I'll be barely sixteen.

A mother at sixteen.

So much for innocent, sweet Sakura. Villagers are going to look at me in disgust.

Yamato-sempai, Sai, Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, they're going to be so ashamed.

What am I going to tell them?

"Sorry guys, I met up with Sasuke-kun in the forest a few months ago and we screwed like bunnies. Hope I don't utterly disgust you."

Yeah, I can just see it now.

Sasuke-kun…

Would the village disown my child for being the child of a traitor?

Would he/she be shunned, would other children scurry away in fear?

What fate have I set for this poor growing life?

Wait, maybe I can fix this, cover it all up.

No one has to know the father is Sasuke-kun.

It can be another secret locked away in my heart, one that I won't tell a soul. I'll be the only one that has to know.

I can spare this child from a miserable life. It's the least I can do.

Now all I have to do is figure out what my story is.

I just met a random guy in the street, and his looks made me lustful. What can I say, I couldn't control myself?

No, that's far from plausible.

I…could tell them I was raped.

No, I don't want pity, I brought this on myself.

I had been so seized by him that I didn't even think of the consequences.

And now, here it was, biting me in the butt.

I'll tell them nothing. I won't say a word about the father, they can interpret any way they wish to.

But I'm not going to utter a word about it, I won't be lying, but it won't be the truth either.

Then again, what will I tell the child when he/she begins to ask questions about their daddy?

Do I lie through my teeth or keep silent?

Certainly, it wouldn't be right of me to deny my child the knowledge of his/her father, but…when I did tell her/him, why would they say? What would they think about that? Sasuke-kun isn't exactly the ideal father that a child would dream of having, that was for sure.

I'll just push that aside, I have quite a few years to think about that.

Right now, I have to think about my pregnancy.

I have to prepare myself for its arrival.

I should move out, I don't want to drag my parents down along with me.

I have enough money saved up from my missions to afford a small apartment.

There's so much I have to do.

So many books I need to read, so much I have to learn. When it comes to babies, I'm clueless.

But that's okay, I have a while to learn.

I'll be the best mother I can be.

I promise that to myself and this baby.

I will not fail at this. I won't allow myself to. My life has been full of mistakes and regrets. When it comes to my impending motherhood, I'll be as perfect as possible.

Of course, I have to earn a decent living to pay for all of its needs. Diapers, clothes, a crib, etc.

As a kunoichi, I could afford all of these.

…If I worked 24/7, which is not going to happen.

Maybe I should train more under Tamara-san, that way I can learn all I need to know and I can become a full-time medic.

Medics…

What is Tsunade-shishou going to say of this? She can always read right through me, as if she can see through my soul.

Will she know what I am hiding?

Will she knew who I accepted with open arms? The only man that I had physically been with? Would she be able to take my silence when I don't answer her questioning?

No, I will make sure she doesn't find out, that she is oblivious like the rest.

Yeah, there's nothing to stress over.

How hard can it be?

Ugh, who am I kidding? My situation seems hopeless.

At this moment, I feel extremely angry with myself.

This all could have been avoided had I had any sense. If I would have been rational, if I had actually thought my actions through, and not seen everything with rose colored glasses, then this wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be in this situation right now.

But, I realize now, I am not the only one at fault.

Sasuke-kun is also to blame.

He is the one who got me pregnant, and he doesn't have to deal with any of this pain. He already has put me through so much, so much agony and despair, and now this had to top off the cake?

In a way, it's bittersweet.

In order to pursue one ambition, he is going to be unaware that the other is going to be accomplished.

He's never going to know that he's a father. The Uchiha clan is going to live on, through the life that's growing inside of me. No one is going to be aware of this, but me.

It's mind-boggling.

A part of me wonders something.

Was that his intention? Did he want, plan for this to happen?

"_You've already done all you can."_

Is that what he meant when he said those words to me?

That by getting pregnant, I had done all that I could? That I had served my purpose? Was he really that sadistic? To think that I would be fine with him using me as a baby machine? Well, then again, he has already manipulated me, using me as a solace to find his release. And I had let him do so.

But, there's no way he could have known this would for surely happen.

Ugh, I think I'm getting one of those headaches that patient was talking about.

I want to sleep, but there's too much to think about.

So much lying in the road in front of me.

And I have yet to bring Sasuke-kun back.

I promised myself that I would get him back, but…

Do I really want to now?

My emotions toward him are so mixed right now.

The part of me that loves him wants to go find him right this instant and kiss him.

Another part of me, the one that's angry with him, wants me to find him just so I can kill him, making him go through the same misery he has put me through.

But mostly I feel confused, questioning him.

If he had truly wanted me to carry his child, what did that mean? That he thought I was capable of handling it, that he held the slightest bit of feelings toward me?

If that wasn't his motive, then what was?

Was he just being cruel, using me as a toy as I've thought all this time?

I honestly don't know, and I doubt I ever will.

And I shouldn't be focusing on him right now.

My main concern is my baby.

_Our_ baby.

It shouldn't matter if it was bestowed upon me on purpose or not.

Because knowing that would change nothing.

It shouldn't really matter.

Sasuke-kun may never see his child if he doesn't change his mindset. If he continues down the path that he is headed, he will end up missing out.

Is that a good or bad thing?

Do I want my child to be influenced by him?

Granted, it won't change the fact that he is the father, but a part of me would feel better if Sasuke-kun remained clueless, continuing his hunt to satisfy his bloodlust. I should feel ashamed, actually wanting him to stay away from the people that actually care for him, but the part of me that is mad with him can get the better of me sometimes.

I don't want my child to turn out the way he did. So cold, alone, and full of hate.

My child will be loved, and I will make sure it knows it.

My love may not affect Sasuke-kun, but I'm sure it will get through to my baby.

As I sit here, writing this, my free arm wraps around my stomach.

I can already feel myself being to love this new life, despite the fact that it ruins my plans.

My plans will have to be flexible.

Because my life now revolves around this unborn life.

This child will not go through the same pain that its father has, or that I have. This will be a new beginning, a new chapter.

I will protect it from the cruelty of this world. This is a chance to have someone live a full, healthy life without pain, and only love.

In a way, I can already feel myself maturing.

This is a big responsibility, yet I feel I can handle it.

I certainly hope I can at least. Who knows, I have already screwed up this far in life, who says that this won't be the same? I'm still only a child myself, it is only understandable that I make mistakes, but I can't afford to now. Not when someone else was depending on me to do the right thing. To be able to survive on my own, to be able to become an adult. It is before I had wanted to, but there is no going back now now is there?

Today is a new beginning for me, not the one I imagined, but still a new beginning.

Happy New Year indeed.

* * *

"_The days go by and her belly gets big  
The father bails out he ain't ready for a kid"_

­Ludacris' _"Runaway Love_"

Thanks goes out to neebu, for yet again sticking with me. It's later than I said, but I lost the file and had to rewrite the whole thing. It isn't as good as before, and nearly not as long, but I hope that it is decent enough.

DeadlySunrise


	5. Simple and Clean

"_Whatever lies beyond this morning  
Is a little later on"

* * *

_

**Nijuu Heisei Sanjūichinichi Sangatsu, Getsuyōbi** (Monday, March 31 2008)

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't tell them about my pregnancy.

I had planned to the next day.

Determined to do so, it was going to be the first words that left my lips when I met up with them next.

But when I did, my resolved was lost.

I had looked into Naruto's bright smile, and my heart fell to my stomach.

I didn't want to ruin the happiness that was finally happening in our lives.

He had too much to worry about already, and it would be cruel of me to add this to the list.

So I didn't say anything.

And it bothered me to no end.

He noticed this, too, for he always was asking what was wrong. It must have been plastered all over my face, it was even visible to Sai. Of course, he didn't voice it or anything, but you could tell by the blank looks that he gave me. Different from his normal ones.

I would constantly snap at them that I was fine, one of the many mood swings that I've had. And, let me tell you, I have had a lot of them.

If they continued to pursue, I would end up crying.

They would just stare at me in bewilderment. Males are not very good at comforting a crying female, and it seemed that they didn't know what to do.

And oh boy, I don't think I've ever beaten Naruto so much in such a short period of time. Even if he wasn't talking to me, if I was in an angry streak, he would become my target.

But they weren't the only ones to notice my change.

Tsunade-shishou did too.

Especially when I was really sick in the mornings.

I would throw up at the faintest smell of food, from the moment I woke up until noon. My face was pale and pasty, and no amount of make-up would conceal it.

She constantly insisted to give me a check-up, which I kindly refused. Her eyes always narrowed when I said no, and I knew she was suspicious. Not that she thought I was pregnant per say, but she knew I was hiding something.

On my hospital shifts, I would feel weak and my back would begin to ache.

Going on missions were even worse. We once went on a mission to Kusagakure, because it was in poor condition.

Our mission was a simple one, we were just helping build houses,

But my body felt so frail, and my breasts so tender, that I had to grind my teeth in order to hide my screams of pain whenever I strained myself.

Naruto noticed my faces of pain, and would sweetly do most of the work. He never once questioned my pain.

I felt bad.

All of that added stress had put a strain on my body. I never felt hungry, and I wasn't ever up to any training.

It had me worried.

Even though I'm over four months pregnant, I was ten pounds less than before I became that way. And that caused me even more stress, fussing over the health of my baby. Was it even still alive down there?

I wanted to ask Tamara-san about it, but I was afraid she would slip to Tsunade-shishou.

I was being so selfish.

Putting my reputation before my baby's welfare.

It tore me up inside. I had told myself to mature, to put the baby first and foremost before everything, and look, I was already screwing that all up.

Thus, three days ago, I told my secret.

It was my sixteenth birthday and I had awoken to the aroma of bacon and eggs.

The moment I whiffed it…

I ran to the bathroom with my mouth covered.

Just like every morning.

I had warily walked down the stairs after brushing my teeth thoroughly, still in my pajamas.

"I hope you're hungry," my mother told me, "Because I made your favorite." She shoved a plate of food in my face.

I scurried back to the bathroom in haste.

As I spewed into the toilet, my mother walked in, the door open. "Sakura, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I wiped my mouth and proceeded to wash my hands and teeth. "Just a little nauseated is all."

My mother gave me her worried look. "You've been 'nauseated' for quite some time now. I'm concerned."

I rolled my eyes, a little snippy. "Trust me, Kaasan, I'm alright. Probably a bout of the flu." I had been telling her the same for weeks.

So she didn't fall for it this time. I must have inherited my stubbornness from her. "I'm not going to take that for an answer. We're taking you to the doctor."

My lips trembled, knowing when my mother was determined to do something she would do it no matter what. "B-but Kaasan," I whined.

"No buts," she snipped, her hands on her hips. "We're going to find out what ails you."

I was backed into a corner, and I was sick of all these lies. "I know what's wrong with me, Kaasan." My voice was low, quite a contrast from a few seconds ago. Another mood swing I suppose.

Her hardened face faltered. "Then what is it?"

I sniffed as tears formed to my emerald eyes, the same ones that my mother had. "Promise you won't hate me." I was so scared that she would.

But she took me into my arms, cradling me like I was an infant.

Infants…

"I could never hate you," she cooed soothingly. "You're my baby."

The tears strolled down my cheeks. Anything but that word. "Kaasan."

"Yes?" she encouraged me.

"What I have to tell you," I gulped, "may come as a shock. You may be appalled."

She raised an eyebrow and smiled. "I honestly doubt that. You're an angel, Sakura. Nothing you could ever do could--"

I couldn't take her praises anymore. I didn't deserve her sweet words. Was no one seeing the truth!? Were they always looking at me through rose-colored glasses? "I'm pregnant."

The words flowed through my mouth so quickly that at first I wondered weather or not she had heard them.

But when she widened her eyes, I knew she had.

"Pregnant?" I nodded.

There was a long silence after that, and I overreacted.

"I knew you would hate me." I removed myself from my arms just to have her grab my arm.

"What did I just tell you?" she questioned, her eyes full of so many questions, which she disregarded. "I was just…shocked." She let out a breath. "It was surprising is all."

I looked at the ground. "You're telling me. I certainly hadn't planned this."

"Were you," my mother's voice was faltering, "_raped?_"

There was that dreaded word.

What would I say? I just couldn't say nothing. It had been consensual, well, for awhile it had, but it certainly hadn't been rape.

"It's complicated," I said it in an exhausted tone, and she didn't press that any further. But she did have more questions to ask. "How far along are you?"

She was taking this well for the circumstances, and I was glad for that. I knew she was still confused, but she understood that I was in pain and didn't wish to talk about it. "A little over four months," I informed her.

Her eyes skimmed my stomach. "But--"

I knew what she was thinking. "I've been so stressed," I wiped the tears forming in my eyes, "that I have yet to gain anything." I hiccupped. "Do you think my baby is okay? I mean, I know that isn't healthy."

My mother nodded. "We'll have to go see a doctor." She looked at me, "We don't have to today, if you don't want to."

She was asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital on my birthday. "No, we should go today," I wrapped my arms around my stomach, "I can't handle not knowing." I wasn't going to be selfish anymore.

So we went to my first hospital appointment since I had found out about my pregnancy.

Tamara-san was my doctor, I felt more comfortable with her.

She asked all kinds of information, about my health prior to the pregnancy, my health records, and my family history.

I told her that there was nothing that I knew of.

My mother grasped my hand tight when she asked the next question.

"Do you know if the father has any history of--"

I cut her off before she could even finish her question, my tone rude and abrupt. "I don't know. Couldn't tell you."

I didn't wish to discuss it. Not with her, not with anyone. It certainly isn't anyone else's business, and not only that, it's a sore subject for me.

She nodded. "Well, I see that you have yet to gain any weight," I began to sweat, "and that leaves me worried."

My arms wound themselves protectively around my stomach. "Is my baby alright?"

"We'll just have to see."

She set up all of her equipment and first took my blood pressure. Then she listened for a heartbeat.

When she lifted her head, I began to breathe quickly. "Well, there's good news. Your baby certainly is alive down there."

Tears of relief ran down my face. It was still down there, just waiting for me to remember that it was.

"But I'm going to set you on a very strict diet. We don't want your baby born prematurely."

I nodded, listening attentively as she told my mother and me that best foods to eat.

"And, since you are so young," she said, "I suggest you be extra careful. No strenuous activities, you hear? That includes missions and hospital shifts."

I bobbed my head quickly. "Of course."

"I'm setting your next appointment for three weeks from now, we'll see how well you're doing then," she jotted down the date on a piece of paper and handed it to me.

I was relieved. My baby was okay. My heavy shoulders were becoming lighter.

But I still had things to do. I told my mom when we left the hospital that I had had prior engagements, and she understood.

It wasn't too long before I found Naruto at the Ichiraku with Kakashi-sensei and Yamato-sempai.

They were teaching him yet another technique, the two older men feeling that the first one was too dangerous to be used regularly, and Naruto was always in the mood to learn more jutsus.

"Jii-san!" Naruto demanded holding up an empty bowl. "More miso!"

"What do you say, Naruto?" I questioned from behind him, crossing my arms in front of my chest, scolding him.

Though I couldn't see his face, I knew he was smiling. "Please!" he whirled around with a grin on his face. "Sakura-chan! Happy birthday!"

He engulfed me in a hug.

I hugged him back, and he withdrew with a confused look on his face.

"What?" I blinked. "Is there something on my face?"

Naruto shook his head. "It's just," he scratched his head, "Sakura-chan usually never lets me hug her."

I shrugged and Kakashi-sensei and Yamato-sempai turned to me, saying their congratulations.

"Arigato," there was a smile on my face.

"So, what have you done to celebrate?" Kakashi-sensei asked.

"Oh, I just left the hospital." The time was now. No more delays, no more excuses.

"You had a shift today, Sakura-san?" Yamato-sempai questioned.

"No," I shook my head, "I had an appointment."

Naruto was concerned immediately. "Is everything okay, Sakura-chan?"

"Oh yeah," I said, my tone calm, but on the inside I was dying. I was about to let out the bomb. "Just a normal appointment for pregnant females."

Kakashi-sensei snapped his book shut and both Naruto and Yamato-sempai's eyes widened.

Even Jii-san dropped his pans, clattering onto the ground with a thud as his mouth stood agape.

I shifted my feet uncomfortably.

"NANI?!" Naruto shouted, and I clasped his mouth shut.

"You heard me," I said in a whisper, not wanting to repeat it again.

Naruto backed away in order to speak.

They were speechless.

It took a few minutes for any of them to speak.

"I was not aware that you were dating someone, Sakura-san," Yamato-sempai stated simply.

A sad smile met my lips, a pang going through my heart. "I'm not."

Naruto, who was no longer in a daze, tried to look on the bright side. "So, I suppose another congratulations is due, ne Sakura-chan?"

He smiled wide, and I knew it was meant to put me at ease, because his eyes shone no glee, only confusion and hurt. But it made me feel even worse. Here he was trying to cheer me up when I've kept so many secrets from him, and still have one now. I am a terrible friend, and I don't deserve someone like him in my life. I know this, yet I still want him to always be there for me. "Arigato, Naruto."

I felt eyes on me, or should I say an eye. Kakashi-sensei had yet to say anything, and he never did. He just walked away with his book in hand.

And it makes me wonder why. Kakashi-sensei has always been like a second father to me, yet he had nothing to say of my condition. He didn't reprimand me for being so young, that I shouldn't be doing those kind of things at my age. There was nothing of it…

I feel so much better now that I've told them. My father took it just as Kakashi-sensei, and I could tell he was boiling inside, not saying a word, but his silence was because he was so stunned. I'm sure Kaasan straightened him out though.

I feel now that I can trudge through this untouched path without any scars. That I can make it through this and end up happy.

Because I have them sheltering me. They're going to be my stronghold throughout this, I know it. My shoulders to lean on, and to cry on if need be.

But I'm not going to be too dependent, rest assured.

I will remain strong, just as I've promised.

But I could use help. Naruto is already helping me. I know he isn't overjoyed, I am quite aware that he is hurt. But he has yet to speak of his pain. He's by my side, and I know he always will be. He proved that today when he came with me when I informed Tsunade-shishou. I could tell she was shocked, but she remained composed as a Hokage always is. She informed me that I should probably take awhile off, and that I would be allowed maternity leave.

And for some reason, her lack of response bothered me.

Why are they all accepting this? I deserved to be screamed at, hated for what I've done. Don't they understand that? I made a huge mistake, a life changing one that I am currently paying for, and yet they had nothing negative to say! I'm just a kid yet, and I only learn from my mistakes if I pay for them! If I'm taught a lesson, yelled at, punished, something that would make me not want to repeat the same mistake again.

Yet, I somewhat know why they aren't as spiteful, what could be keeping their composure.

They have yet to learn my darkest secret, and they will never know what it is.

* * *

"Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all  
Nothing's like before" 

_-_Hikaru Utada's "_Simple and Clean_" featured in Kingdom Hearts

Wow. Thank you all so much for reviewing. The last chapter got the most that I had so far. 3 And I don't know when I will next be able to update with school back in session now. But, thanks to: Irui, neebu, Penguin. cherrilatina, and Baby Acoustic.

DeadlySunrise


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